What is a toxic empath and what are its signs? Do you suspect that someone is a toxic empath, or are you worried that you might be one? Can a toxic person be an empath? Toxic empathy is the same thing dark empathy?
Empathy is the ability to feel another person’s emotions; toxic empathy is the tendency to over-identify with another person’s emotions. As a result, you absorb their suffering and pain until it becomes all-consuming.
17 signs of toxic empathy
When empathy becomes toxic
As it does empathy become toxic? If we want to understand toxic empathy, let’s remind ourselves what empathy is. Psychotherapist Rebecca Love defines empathy as:
“…a state of over-identification and over-responsibility for another person’s emotional state, well-being, or problem-solving, to the detriment of your own relationships, self-care, and sense of peace.”
So what turns an empath into a toxic empath? This one is recent research useful because it covers four themes of empathy:
- Understanding
- Feeling
- Share other people’s feelings
- Maintaining differentiation between self and other person
And it’s the last part that’s important because empathy becomes toxic when you blur that boundary.
Here are the signs that you are dealing with a toxic empath:
- You experience an overwhelming and constant feeling of sadness and depression.
- You can’t focus on your own life because you’re so consumed by the other person’s emotions.
- You neglect your feelings or beliefs.
- You justify someone’s actions because you are completely immersed in their emotions.
- You define your value by helping that person or solving their problems.
- You can never say no. to that person, even to the detriment of your well-being.
- You feel responsible for this person’s happiness.
- You have physical symptoms of stress (headache, upset stomach, insomnia, etc.).
- You put your needs on the back burner to prioritize the other person.
- You feel exhausted when trying to complete the simplest of tasks.
- You lose your autonomy when you take on more of another person’s struggles; your boundaries become blurred.
- You insist on giving advice or imposing your solutions to their problems.
- You began to resent the time this person was taking from you.
- You are suffering compassion fatigue; you feel irritated, cynical, or numb to this person’s problems.
- They only call you when they want something.
- You are normalizing unacceptable behavior.
- You became him scapegoat for everything that goes wrong.
How to deal with a toxic empath
Use consequences, not boundaries
We often hear the word “boundaries” when we talk about them dealing with toxic people. I like to use the term “consequences” instead. It’s pretty much the same thing, but it’s proactive instead of reactive. Boundaries are just a set of rules, but what happens when someone keeps breaking your rules?
Barb Nangle is a limitation coach and provides an insightful example of limitations, which I paraphrased here:
Nangle says to think of boundaries as a gated fence around your home. You are the house, and inside your fence the behavior is acceptable; outside is unacceptable. It is up to you to decide who enters through the gate; it is your responsibility. You can’t expect other people to police you.
It is the same as if you left the gate open and allowed people to enter your property and destroy your house. You made the rules, but people ignored them. What are you doing now?
You can’t control another person’s behavior just by setting a few rules. However, setting consequences when they break the rules allows you to show the person what will happen if their behavior becomes unacceptable.
When someone does something you don’t like, you give them consequences. You don’t just hope they change; it’s like leaving the gate open and hoping for the best. Consequences give you control.
Examples of consequences
- Boundaries: Please lower your voice when you talk to me.
- Consequences: If you continue to raise your voice at me, I will leave.
- Limits: You can borrow my car, but please replace the gas you use.
- Consequences: I won’t let you borrow the car again unless you fill up the tank.
- Limits: Please don’t offensive jokes about me at family events.
- Consequences: I will not join you at family events if you continue to make mean jokes about me.
- Boundaries: Please don’t continue to question my parenting abilities.
- Consequences: I don’t want to discuss this if you give me unsolicited advice.
- Boundaries: You are rude to me when you drink. Please don’t talk to me like that.
- Consequences: I will not talk to you when you are drunk.
Did you notice that all the boundary examples use the pronoun “You” and the following examples use “I”? “I won’t…”, “I won’t…”, “I won’t put up with…” etc. This emphasizes how active consequences are. When you use “I”, you are in control. Using “you” gives control to the other person. “You don’t do that…”, “You never do that…”, “You keep doing that…” You have no control over the other person.
Why Consequences Stop Toxic Empathy
- They give you the ability to stop unacceptable behavior.
- They protect you from guilt.
- They prevent you from engaging in unacceptable behavior.
- They help others change their behavior.
- They prevent you from being overwhelmed by other people’s problems.
- They teach people to respect your decisions.
- They hold others accountable for their decisions.
- They prevent you from neglecting your needs.
- They hold people accountable for their behavior.
- They help you take control of the situation.
- Consequences allow for healthy growth, learning and mutual respect.
Final thoughts
Toxic empathy shows that too much of a good thing can be detrimental to our well-being. However, setting consequences can help you deal with a toxic empath and allow you to be the compassionate person that you are, but not at the expense of your health.
Sub-editor and staff writer in Training the mind
Jenny Davis has been publishing online for over 10 years. She suffered from panic disorder for more than 30 years, prompting her to study and complete an honors degree in psychology at the Open University. Janey uses her experience of anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
