My memories of motherhood are filled with moments of self-doubt. No mother alive survives some self-doubt. With all the ideas about what’s best for children, it’s easy to question your decisions. From mundane to seemingly “important decisions” it’s easy to slip into negative emotions, doubting yourself.
One of my clients talked to me for a while about the fact that she and her son and husband did not have a ritual of having dinner together. It made sense for her family and their schedule for her son to eat before her husband came home, but almost every day she had doubts about whether it was really okay. It turned out that it was just a good thing, because now he is a wonderful young man and they are very close. It seems silly in retrospect that we could get so fixated on things like this, but it’s easy to do. How do we know it’s going to be okay?
Magazines, newspapers, and websites often create stories based on research findings that show how certain actions or behaviors are associated with a certain outcome, even if there is no clear evidence that it was the cause of the outcome. The best test of how something works for your family is this how it works for your familywith time!
How nice it would be to have a crystal ball to be sure that any given choice would be the “right choice” and that everything would turn out okay. The mind can exceed the proportions and endanger their development welfare seem huge. In our pursuit of certainty and fear of our doubts, we can cause a lot of unnecessary suffering. It is helpful to kindly remind yourself that children are resilient and that you can be too. You can always make a new choice after seeing the result.
When fear is present
Like self-doubt, fear is another important topic in parenting. Amidst the barrage of news about horrible things happening to children, mass shootings, catastrophic weather, wars, etc., there is plenty to focus on with fear. Add to that the “time travel” in your head, the thoughts of what could have happened, and it’s a lot optional suffering in motherhood. Using mindfulness, especially the regular practice of paying attention to your thoughts and feelings, can help you get out of autopilot to see if you really are suffering needlessly.
You can change the focus of your mind at any time. Fear is not a sign that the outcome you fear will happen. Trying to imagine how you would face something you fear that isn’t happening now is often a waste of energy and can lead to self-condemnation. My favorite mantras, “Just in this moment” and “Just here, just now” really help me get out of my mind and back into the flow of life. When you find yourself trying to “think it out”, you need to redirect your mind to just being with it, being with what’s in front of you, and letting the fear fall into the background. It may arise againand you can focus again.
I realized that when fear is present, I have to dig deeper to move toward what I value. I don’t need to let go of fear to get through it.
I realized that when fear is present, I have to dig deeper to move toward what I value. I don’t need to let go of fear to get through it. I can decide to dig in anyway by thinking positively about myself.
Revealing your courage
Being brave or courageous is often described in a way that looks like a lack of fear. Motherhood takes courage from the start. We may go into it with pleasant ideas, but we shall soon see how much we have to face what frightens and frightens us. Just like with gratitudeit is helpful to stop and realize where you have been courageous. It helps to admit that you were afraid and did something anyway grow a sense of confidence.
My client was worried about whether she would be brave enough to help her four-year-old daughter through surgery and an overnight stay in the hospital. She noticed that she often interpreted her fearful thoughts as saying that she would not be brave. They were kind of a bad sign. If she thought about it now, how could she do it?
Anxious waiting can overwhelm any of us.
She also felt terrible for being afraid of it. I encouraged her to affirm herself when she noticed fear, saying, “It’s really hard. It’s okay.” She found it very helpful to acknowledge this simple fact instead of blaming herself for being a bad mother with all her fears and negative thoughts. No one wants to go through difficult things, and there are so many difficult things. It’s really okay to admit it.
Choosing to be brave
I will always remember one of the most profound moments when I decided to be brave; where I showed that I could be courageous. I was finishing up the bath with my young son when I heard my young daughter fall in the other room. I ran to her and found that she had fallen and broken her chin. There was blood everywhere and I was horrified. It was one of those moments as a mother that I feared I wouldn’t be there for him when he finally arrived. I was horrified.
Despite wanting to cry and run the other way, I calmed her down and cleaned her anyway. After calling the pediatrician’s office, who advised me to take her to the emergency room to see if she needed stitches, I called my husband and told him to drop everything and come home. I told my husband that he would go with her to the intensive care unit!
We can reach out again and again for what we want for ourselves or our child, regardless of the mind’s first reaction.
Within minutes of hanging up, I realized that I wanted my children to see me as strong. I wondered what message I would send to my daughter, who relies on me and my reassurance, if I sent her off with a dad who had just returned home after being gone all day. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt her, but I understood here was an opportunity.
So, as much as I dreaded it, I asked my husband to stay with our son and took her to the emergency room. A few stitches and a few hours later we were back home and all was well. Courage and confidence is not something you either have or don’t have. Remember growth thinking. We can reach out again and again for what we want for ourselves or our child, regardless of the mind’s first reaction.
When we connect these moments, these choices lead to courage and confidence. Another gift of motherhood! Where I once ran away, I tamed my fear of spiders, bees and snakes! Motherhood can show us how brave we can be.
The passage is reproduced with the permission of the author Only this moment: A guide for moms who want to enjoy parenthood, raise great kids, and SAVE! Elizabeth Torres, Psy.D. ABPP. (2019).
Attention for children
When we teach children about mindfulness, we give them the tools to build self-esteem, manage stress, and problem-solve skillfully. Check out our guide on how to introduce your kids to mindfulness and meditation—at any age. More details 
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