On Mother’s Day, I found myself at the local garden center, where I like to spend the holiday. In fact, my only request every Mother’s Day is to spend some time collecting plants and then finding a home for them in my garden. On this particular Sunday, I overheard another mom talking to her kids, beaming as she told them that the garden was her “happy place.” Her enthusiasm was contagious, and the children jumped up and down, eagerly pointing out their favorite flowers, asking if they could take a plant home too.
Gardening mirrors work in a variety of ways.
Variations of this scene played out around me, and moms wanted and got to celebrate here, among the rich plant life. I wondered if the store would look the same in a few weeks when Father’s Day rolled around. I hoped that would be the case.
Benefits of gardening
Gardening mirrors work in a variety of ways. Anyone who has spent half a day weeding knows that it can be a thankless task, and that nurturing a seed as it grows requires patience, consistency, persistence, hope and a little luck.
In nature, as in parenting, awe and beauty are spread through the process, not at any predetermined end point.
There’s a saying among parents that parenting often involves more joy-fun than fun-fun, meaning that it can be very rewarding and fulfilling, but not always immediately gratifying. This is certainly true in the garden as well. Fig seedlings do not bear fruit immediately. An asparagus plant takes three years to root and mature before it is ready to harvest.
In nature, as in parentage, awe and beauty is multiplied in the process, not at any predetermined end point. Practices that nurture awe and appreciation of beauty has a positive effect on well-being. If you ask someone about their recent awe-inspiring experience (which I suggest you do!), they might share a moment in nature: a shooting star in an inky black sky, the appearance of a twinkling rainbow overhead on the anniversary of a loved one’s death, the opening of perfectly pale blue robin eggs. Or, more likely, they’ll share a moment with the baby: the first step, the dimpled smile, the birth. Like any mental muscle, we can train ourselves to look for these moments. Often, all we have to do is go outside.
Gardening is an investment in something that needs to be cared for. This requires a serious attitude to the care of living things.
Studies have shown that gardening has a positive effect on health and well-being. You can just spend time in green areas significantly reduce stress levels. Time in nature gives our brains a chance to do something called “soft delight”, a diffuse state of attention in which the brain, freed from the immediate task-demand, can experience relaxation, make new connections, and regain focus. It has happened to most of us that while going for a walk, we suddenly find a solution to a previously unsolvable problem or – less dramatically, but no less important – we return to our desk refreshed and in a better mood. Parenting requires many resources, not the least of which is attention. How parental stress and the demands of modern parenting are increasingthe task of identifying sustainable and affordable methods of stress management is becoming more and more urgent. Gardens can offer built-in ointment.
Also, while gardening can be a quiet, restorative, individual activity, gardening communities abound in the form of CSAs, urban gardens, plant shares, and seed libraries, suggesting that gardening can also feed the social brain. Free time that promotes social connection have a special effect on happiness (fun-fun!). And in parenthood, having a strong social network is a protective factor for overall health.
However, there is something else that sets gardening apart from other outdoor pursuits.
In fact, fathers who act as primary caregivers experience many of the physiological brain changes previously associated with biological mothers, such as changes in gray matter and restructuring of the brain’s emotion processing centers.
Gardening is an investment in something that needs to be cared for. This requires a serious attitude to the care of living things. It is precisely what gardening represents—about who wants, achieves, and must care for the environment and our fellow citizens, about who loves to cultivate beauty, about who is capable of being patient, gentle, and tender—that makes it a particularly poignant activity for parents.
Dads as essential caregivers
There has been a historical gap in research on fathers’ parenting experiences. In his book, Dad’s brainDarcy Saxbe explains how new research at the intersection of neuroscience and psychology shows that all of us—not just moms—are wired to care. This manifests itself in the form of neural circuits activated by the act of caregiving, rather than simply or even solely by the experience of pregnancy and birth.
In fact, fathers who act as primary caregivers experience many of the physiological brain changes previously associated with biological mothers, such as changes in gray matter and restructuring of the brain’s emotion processing centers.
Fathers can gain a lot from their role as caregivers. Most parents report gaining meaningful meaning and a sense of purpose from parenthood. Interestingly – and perhaps unsurprisingly – dads who act as primary caregivers seem to, too more vulnerable to mental health problems related to modern parenthood. They, like all parents, need support and access to tools and practices that promote well-being. Gardening, with its general benefits for well-being, quality of life and healthis one such example. To meaningfully encourage this, we must first recognize, or better yet, celebrate, the capacity of parents to nurture, shepherd, and cultivate.
When we take the father’s role as a caregiver seriously, we not only strengthen children’s support systems, but also more effectively consider the challenges and benefits of caregiving in general.
Father’s Day is only one day a year. But holidays reinforce cultural norms and values. Father’s Day traditions can serve as a mirror for the cultural exchange of messages about a father’s role, needs, and desires, as well as the activities and resources available to him. If we stop to really consider the values we want to cultivate as parents, perhaps we can see how an activity like gardening can provide parents with relevant psychological and health benefits, while reinforcing their important role in complex caregiving networks.
To be clear, there is no right or wrong way to celebrate Father’s Day. In fact, there are an infinite number of ways to have a meaningful holiday. Regardless of how we choose to spend the day, when we take the father’s role as caregiver seriously, we not only strengthen children’s support systems, but also more effectively consider the challenges and benefits of caregiving in general.
And perhaps by more intentionally including fathers in some of the rituals, communities, and activities historically associated with moms—inviting them into the garden, so to speak—we can also expand our understanding of who wants, deserves, and has a responsibility to care for sentient beings.
Mindful gardening practices for parents and families
- Plant the seed with your child. All you need is one seed. Plant it outside or on a windowsill. Check it together daily. Each time you do this, share your observations of the small, tiny changes you notice as it begins to sprout and grow.
- Take a sensory walk in the garden. Look for all the colors of the rainbow. Smell the flowers and gently rub the edible herbs between your fingers, noticing their aroma. Feel the sun, wind or fog on your face. If there is a clean fruit or vegetable ready to be picked, try it together, savoring the flavors.
- Visit a garden center, join a CSA, volunteer at an urban gardening project, or visit the seed library. These are great activities that the whole family can do. Introduce yourself. See what new facts you can learn about local flora, companion plants, dahlia tubers and even cucumber trellises.
- Find a place to sit. Choose one spot—a window, a tree, a bench—that you can return to each week. Each time you do this, set a timer for 3 minutes (or 30 seconds if you are doing this with a small child). Sit in silence, noticing the sights, sounds, smells, and your own emotions. Share, draw or record your observations.
- Invite your father. Consider bringing your father, partner or father figure into the garden with you. Share what you love about the garden. Show them where you find beauty, meaning and awe. While you’re at it, share what you appreciate about them as nurturers, how they themselves have been cultivators of growth.
