I tried to kill my ego for 10 years. This is why I sabotaged myself. ⋆ LonerWolf

As we begin our healing journeys, spiritual journeys, and inner searches for a meaningful life, we are often taught that the ego is our #1 enemy.

The ego is the source of our suffering. The ego seeks to undermine us. Ego destroys our every happiness.

You’ve heard it all before.

And while there is some truth to this, this teaching can actually be quite destructive.

The Trap No One Talks About: You Can’t Outgrow The Self You Never Created

When I first started on the inner path, I was quite convinced that my ego was the enemy, and this led to me actively and passively trying to bring about its ultimate destruction for about ten years.

I was taught that killing one’s ego should be a “spiritual” and “awakened” exercise. This is what should make you enlightened or free you from all your traumas.

What I realized much later was that what we really need is our ego to survive, set boundaries and stay safe in the world. Yes, it can be a pain in the ass. But if you learn to be mindful, it doesn’t have to take over your life.

I wrote about the dark side of nonduality and other disjointed spiritual paths before. But I will keep things simple.

In the words of counselor and teacher John Bradshaw,

A strong intact ego gives you a sense of confidence and control … Paradoxical as it may seem, your ego must be strong enough to let go of its limited defenses and controls. You need a strong ego to transcend ego.

Let me repeat that message in my own words. You need a strong sense of well-being before you can transcend that sense of well-being.

Stop trying to destroy your ego – you don’t even have one yet

Self-alienation is a major question in our world.

It is not only created early life traumabut this internal alienation is also caused by the simple life in our modern society.

Technology, endless notifications, addictive social media, and fast-paced lifestyles have the potential to separation us from ourselves, forcing us to live an externally driven life.

What is worse, when we are going through a crisis and become lone wolves in search of meaning and clarity we yet to encounter self-alienating teachings – those that place our power in the hands others.

But not having a well-defined well-beingand without access to ourselves (with a capital ‘S’, aka Soul), we won’t get very far. No wonder we constantly feel stuck, lost, or like something is missing.

What is missing is our own an embodied and grounded sense of self!

In her book The hero is within, author Carol S. Pearson writes,

Without yourself, it is actually impossible to give or receive great love. In the latter case, when people play a role to gain love or respect—and hide who they really are (which may well be a lot of need)—they never feel loved for themselves. It’s a role that feels loved.

Even if you feel like you’re feeling great, go spend a couple of hours with your extended family or a group of strangers. Do you still feel safe and grounded? Or do you feel insecure, depressed, easily hurt, or immediately slip into a false role or mask?

This is a sign that your ego is not as resilient as you think.

Ego is not your enemy – self-alienation

There is alienation Loss of soul – losing touch with one’s deeper self that lies at the center Dark night of the soul. It’s a dark, deep wound that festers beneath all the anxiety, depression, and emptiness.

This too multifaceted. We can be both alienated from our little self (ego) and from the big self (Soul). We both may lack a strong and healthy sense of ‘me and my boundaries’ and to be devoid of the sense of the Higher Self.

Of course, the ego may seem like an enemy at first glance. Those voices in your head telling you mean things are unpleasant – no one will deny that.

But the deeper problem isn’t about these nasty voices, or even about arrogance or stubbornness. this missing a a solid inner base. It is never to have a healthy or well-developed well-being.

The real problem here develops a false self instead of the real, or true, self. And all this begins when we are very small. I will explore this further in the my main early post which explores the primal wound of separation.

Physician and writer Charles Whitfield describes the process of alienation well,

When our living True Self hides to please its parent figure and survive, a false, codependent Self arises in its place. Thus, we lose awareness of our True Self to the point that we actually lose awareness of its existence. We lose touch with who we really are. Gradually we begin to think that we are this false self – so it becomes a habit and finally an addiction.

How to End Self-Alienation (and Develop a Healthier Self)

The older, the deeper psychospiritual my approach to life becomes. We need both sides of the spectrum to thrive.

In psychology, developing a healthier and stronger sense of well-being is known as “ego power”. It’s the ability to stay strong and withstand stress despite what life throws at you. Carl Jung called it “individualization.”

How do we develop a solid, grounded, healthy and balanced sense of well-being? There are so many ways – and this site is full of them:

1. To commit keeping a diary every day. (Start with these internal work logs.)
2. Take the quality personality tests and learn more about yourself. (Look these tests.)
3. Discover yourself deeper core needs, values, wounds and beliefs. (See Soul Work Compass Course.)
4. Regularly spend time in loneliness to know yourself.
5. Set borders and learn to say no.
6. Avoid mind-altering psychedelics (aka LSD, psilocybin, mescaline, cannabis, DMT).
7. to do grounding and embodying meditationsuch as breath focus or body scan (skip the “ego killing” types).
8. Spend time around safe people/pets with whom you feel relaxed – those who can reflect you.
9. Avoid separation of spiritual paths (aka astral projection, neo-advaita teachings, holotropic breathing, kundalini yoga, etc.)
10. Work with healing of the somatic and nervous system-oriented paths.
11. Try it bibliotherapy (reading to rediscover yourself) and with the help of tarot as a form of therapeutic self-discovery (not divination).
12. Learn how to practice self-service and it will take time slow down every day.

Let me know if I missed any and suggest them in the comments. 😉

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For further reading on this topic, I recommend the following posts:

Tell me, what is your experience of “ego killing” and self-alienation? If you’re feeling down, what makes the experience worse? I’d love to hear in the comments.