Did you know that an intimate partner or family member kills one woman or girl every ten minutes? Murderers will try to justify their crime by saying: “I killed her because I loved her very much.” But it is not love that drives this violence; this is pathological jealousy.
There are obvious signs of excessive jealousy, for example tracking and isolation, but relationships do not begin with these behaviors. Jealousy creeps up gradually with innocent behaviors that can often go unnoticed. Here are the first signs that someone is pathologically jealous.
13 signs of pathological jealousy
“Jealousy is not really an emotion, but a complex created by reactions, doubts and thoughts.”
Clinical psychologist Ezgi Dakuzlu
1. They ask for a phone PIN or email password
“I know you have nothing to hide.”
This is a common sign of pathological jealousy, and partners will exploit emotional blackmail offering them PINs and passwords upon request of yours. They make you feel stealthy and have something to hide if you don’t.
2. They sulk when you spend time with others
“Oh, are you talking to me again?”
Overreacting when you stop to talk to a store employee for a few minutes or when you take a phone call from a friend are classic signs that your partner is pathologically jealous. These small exchanges act as the glue of society that we all recognize. However, someone struggling with jealousy often gets upset when attention is diverted from them.
3. They make “innocent” suggestions about what you wear
“That skirt is a little short. Why don’t you change? You look so good in pants.”
A partner’s suggestion that your clothes are too revealing or sexy, accompanied by a more conservative option, suggests that he does not want others to notice you. You often see women’s looks go from bubbly and sexy to dull coercive control relationship.
4. They comment on the attractiveness of others
“The guy in line was pretty handsome, don’t you think?”
It’s a test you can’t pass because saying yes shows your attraction to them, and if you say no, your partner won’t believe you anyway. It’s a win-win situation.
5. They question you when you are a few minutes late
“It’s only because I’m worried about you.”
My controlling ex used to do this when I was in college. He knew exactly how long it took me to get home. If I was a few minutes late, he would question me. It’s fine to ask if your partner is a few hours late, but 5 minutes is fine red flag.
6. They make veiled threats about what they will do if you cheat on them
“I would find and kill you both.”
Your partner never warned you to deceive on them? My ex used to do this all the time. He threatened violence and said:I warned you. If I did something, it wouldn’t be my fault.” I felt guilty even though I had done nothing wrong. It is a form of mental prison that keeps you away from other people.
7. They make you doubt yourself your behavior
“If you weren’t so friendly with the other guys, I wouldn’t have to worry.”
This is a classic sign of pathological jealousy. He is shifting them self-doubt. This gas lighting. You are now a question your behavior; perhaps your kindness comes across as flirtatious. This dress may have been quite revealing. It is possible that you spend too much time at work.
8. Your friends/family are said to be a bad influence
“I’m not worried about you, I’m worried about them.”
This is an isolation tactics used by controlling partners. They will say they trust you, but they don’t like it when you spend time with certain friends or family. It could be a single friend or family member you trust.
9. They check your priorities
“I know it’s your mom’s birthday, but I made a reservation at our favorite restaurant.”
This is a tactic designed to test your commitment to your partner. Who do you respect more? People who are pathologically jealous should be your first and only priority. This applies even to children.
In fact, I knew a guy whose girlfriend was so jealous of his 18-year-old daughter that he was forced to choose between them. His daughter eventually left the family home.
10. They’re all over your social media
“Who was the guy who tagged you in the photo?”
It’s great to show a little curiosity about the person you’re dating, but be careful if your partner is commenting on all your social media. They will see this as wanting to know everything about you, and while it’s flattering at first, it’s a sign of pathological jealousy.
11. They ask lots of questions about harmless interactions
“I’m just interested in your life, that’s all.”
This minor interaction with the guy at the counter turned into a question and answer session. But the jealous person considers it completely harmless. They are just interested in your life and want to know more about you, but inside they are seething with jealousy.
12. They make you feel guilty when you spend time away from them
“How was the office party? I wanted to go with you, but you clearly didn’t want me there.”
Whether it’s an office party, a night out with the girls, or lunch with their parents, a pathologically jealous person can’t handle time away from them.
They think you’re having too much fun without them, scolding them, or having an affair behind their back. Expect sarcastic comments the silent treatmentor passive-aggressive behavior when you return.
13. They “joke” about hurting you if you ever leave them
“I would kill you if I saw you with another man.”
If your partner repeats this comment is a jokeit is very important that you understand how serious this is. People just don’t say things like that unless they’re pathologically jealous. They warn you in advance that they are going to hurt you.
What to do if you have discovered signs of pathological jealousy?
After being in a relationship with a jealous partner, my advice is to break up as soon as possible. There is nothing you can do to calm or appease them. Listen, we all get jealous from time to time; we might covet our neighbor’s new car or feel a little resentful when someone else gets a promotion at work. But these are all material things.
Pathological jealousy is not based on actual events or factual evidence. Jealous person imagines scenarios and feels threatened by thoughts they are to generate. It has nothing to do with what you do. And you can’t reassure someone when the “evidence” they present is in their head.
Another thing is that pathologically jealous people do not become better; Jealousy only escalates, until you to become a completely different person to match their jealousy.
My friends said I lost my shine. I experienced all of the above symptoms that seemed innocent at first. But they were only precursors. The problem is, once you “accept” these suggestions, comments, or behaviors, you can’t go back. The control and isolation only gets worse.
Final thoughts
Jealousy can affect even the happiest of relationships, but pathological jealousy is a different beast. He doesn’t listen to reason or evidence and he can will end in violence. If you notice the above signs, be very careful.
Sub-editor and staff writer in Training the mind
Jenny Davis has been publishing online for over 10 years. She suffered from panic disorder for more than 30 years, prompting her to study and complete an honors degree in psychology at the Open University. Janey uses her experience of anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
