What is the difference between being nice and being a doormat? Nice people do not allow others to use them while the person using the mat allows people to walk on it. Sounds simple, right? In fact, there is a fine line between being nice and being a doormat.
So when does kindness turn into martyrdom? Why do some people need mats? A doormat is the cause of two main problems: fear of rejection and the desire to influence the reactions of others. Being a doormat leads to resentment, loss of identity and low self-esteem.
Below are 20 signs you’re a doormat. See if you recognize them, learn your mat type, and find ways to stop.
20 signs you’re a doormat person
- People always violate your boundaries.
- You immediately say “Yes” when you know you shouldn’t.
- You are a people pleaser.
- Others constantly override your needs.
- People value your actions, not your personality.
- You ignore your needs to satisfy others.
- You only feel happy when everyone else is happy.
- You avoid confrontation at any cost.
- Others do not understand your needs and wants.
- You accept and condone unacceptable behavior.
- Others always assume your consent.
- You compromise your beliefs in order to be accepted.
- People minimize or mock your needs all the time.
- You don’t speak up when other people put you down.
- People expect comfort, but do not reciprocate.
- You accept the blame even when it’s not your fault.
- You’re always apologizing, even when it’s not your fault.
- You blame yourself when things go wrong.
- You feel invisible.
- People stubbornly take from you without reciprocating.
The difference between a good person and a good person
It’s easy to confuse being nice with being a doormat person, but there are subtle differences.
- Nice people are polite and happy to help, but not to the detriment of themselves.
- Good people don’t let others take advantage of of them.
- Nice people do not agree to unreasonable requests.
- Nice people are not afraid of confrontation.
- Nice people will not put others before their own needs.
- Nice people believe that your reaction is your responsibility.
- Nice people set boundaries and offer fair alternatives.
- Good people will stand up for themselves.
What makes a rug unique?
There are several reasons why people become doormats:
“It is one of the most beautiful compensations in this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself… Serve and you shall be served.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
- Saying yes makes you feel good.
- I am looking for approval.
- Fear of people’s reactions.
- Fear of rejection.
- Low self-esteem.
- Avoid confrontation.
- Fear of being labeled mean.
- The need to control the environment.
There are also types of doormats:
Personality types
People Pleaser – (avoids conflict)
People pleasers want to avoid conflict at all costs. They will not speak up if something is unfair or upsetting. They would rather suffer in silence than fight. Instead, they hide their feelings of hurt until they reach a breaking point.
Podhalim – (fear of rejection)
The behavior of sycophants may look the same as people pleasers, but their motivations are different. They will flatter or worship others to get them to stick around and sacrifice their own needs and desires to keep their relationship alive. They compromise their own beliefs and values to be accepted.
Manipulator – (wants something in return)
The the manipulator accommodating and generous because they want something in return. They are not your typical rugs. Instead of asking for what they want, they pretend to be a good person to get what they want.
Whatever type you are, all carpet owners find it hard to give up, so how do you stop?
How to stop being a squirrel person?
1. Don’t answer right away
A common trait of people who love rugs is how quickly they accept things that harm them. If you take time to make a decision, you will avoid sudden reactions that you will later regret.
You also show people that you have value; your time is valuable and your energy matters. If you don’t want to comply with the request, decline. Otherwise, buy yourself some time.
Phrases that buy time:
“I’m not sure I’m free that day. Let me check.”
“I’ll have to think about it, I’ll get back to you.”
“I’m busy the next few days, but I’ll let you know.”
2. Set boundaries and consequences
Borders it’s a dirty word for people who treat others like carpets. You just don’t have them. People respect boundaries because they protect a person’s time and energy. If you set clear and fair boundaries, people will be more appreciative of your time and energy.
Phrases that set boundaries:
“Sorry, but I’m not available after hours.”
“I don’t like discussing my personal life with you.”
“Please knock before you enter my room.”
3. Offer fair alternatives
It’s natural for a person who is being bullied to find it difficult to say no and set boundaries, but you can reduce stress by offering an alternative. This accomplishes two things: It stops you guiltand it makes the other person appreciate your help.
Phrases that offer alternatives:
“I can’t help this weekend, but I’m free for a few hours on Monday.”
“I can’t lend you the whole amount, but I can lend you half.”
“No, you can’t borrow my car, but I’ll be happy to give you a ride.”
Final thoughts
No one respects a rug. And over time, you lose self-respect. When you stop, others will start taking you seriously, relationships will improve, and you’ll be able to be your true self.
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Sub-editor and staff writer in Training the mind
Jenny Davis has been publishing online for over 10 years. She suffered from panic disorder for more than 30 years, prompting her to study and complete an honors degree in psychology at the Open University. Janey uses her experience of anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
