There is something a little backwards about confidence. The people who seem most confident often do the things the rest of us quietly avoid: admit they don’t know something, hold an awkward pause, say “no” without a paragraph of explanation.
From the outside, these habits may look a little strange. A little too relaxed. Maybe even a little rough.
But there is usually a simple reason behind them. When you don’t stand for approval, you stop doing the little things that people do to control how they are seen. What’s left can be read as quirky when really it’s just someone not keeping score.
Here are seven of those qualities and why they tend to show up in people who aren’t trying to impress anyone.
1) They openly admit what they do not know
Most of us shook our heads at things we didn’t understand, just to keep from looking from the depths of our hearts. Self-confident people often skip this step. They’ll say, “I have no idea what that means,” without flinching.
Psychologists call it intellectual humility, and it’s not about modesty as it seems. Mark Learyemeritus professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, describes it as “the simple recognition that what you believe may, in fact, be wrong.” The term is still debated among researchers, so consider it one useful definition, not the last word.
What’s interesting is how sure it looks in practice. Acknowledging the gap requires a certain resilience. You have to accept that there is no answer in the room, and that’s easier when your well-being doesn’t depend on looking smart.
2) They leave an awkward silence without rushing to fill it
A pause in a conversation makes many people anxious. There is some evidence as to why. How This is reported by NBC Newsparticipants who watched conversations that contained a four-second silence reported feeling more rejection and less belonging, even though they were not consciously aware that the silence had occurred.
One of those researchers My name is Cowdenburg from the University of Groningen compared a good conversation to a dance: “Partners flow smoothly to each other and know when to take the upper hand.” Silence breaks the rhythm and most of us struggle to get it back. These were two lab experiments involving students, so read this as a tip, not as a rule for everyone.
Confident people, as a rule, do not climb. They allow a few seconds to breathe without taking the silence as a sign that something has gone wrong because they are not anxiously monitoring your approval second by second.
3) They change their minds publicly without apologizing for it
Changing your mind in front of other people feels risky. We tend to see it as a bit of a defeat, like we’ve been caught. So people dig.
Someone who is safe tends to do the opposite. In the middle of the conversation, they will say “actually, you convinced me” and move on without wringing their hands. Conversation sees such openness as more concerned with learning than with being right, which is consistent with how intellectual humility is commonly described.
Lyre puts the basic idea is simple: “an intellectually humble person recognizes that many things they firmly believe may in fact be inaccurate.” If you’re honest about it, updating your look isn’t a waste. It’s just new information catching up on yesterday’s.
4) They dress or behave in a way that does not meet the expectations of the room
You’ve probably met someone who wears whatever they want to an event where everyone else got the unspoken memo. Or who keeps a hobby that is completely unrelated to their job. It may appear that the norm has not been noticed.
Usually noticed. They just didn’t feel obligated to follow it.
Much of how we present ourselves is a quiet calibration, a fitting of the room so that we fit safely into it. People who don’t care about impressing others tend to be less concerned with this calibration. The result reads like whimsy when it’s really just a smaller gap between what they like and what they think they’re allowed to show.
5) They ask questions that can make them look ignorant
“Excuse me, can you back up, what does that acronym stand for?” Many people will sit on this question rather than risk seeming retarded. Fear looks like the only one who didn’t know.
Confident people ask anyway. They would rather understand a thing than protect the image of already understanding it.
This again has to do with humility. Researcher Tenelle Porterwho studied how intellectual humility predicts academic behavior in adolescents and adults, found that people with higher intellectual humility are more likely to seek challenges and persist when things get tough—the opposite of image protection.
She also notes that confidence is widely admired, while admissions of ignorance tend to be underappreciated. The irony is that the question everyone is too nervous to ask is often the half of the room that wants the answer.
6) They decline invitations without offering elaborate excuses
There is no art in over-explanation. Fake schedule conflict, lengthy apology, offer to pay it off another time. We’re piling on the details because it seems like a simple “no thanks” needs softening.
People who don’t need to be liked by everyone often just say, “I’m going to sit this one out.” There is no story. It can land just as bluntly for those used to the soft version.
A short “no” is usually not unkind. It’s honest and quick, and doesn’t prove you’d come if you could. Not having to perform is a kind of ease.
7) They laugh at themselves before anyone else gets a chance
Self-confident people are often the first to point out their own mistakes. They will tell an embarrassing story about themselves, and they mean it.
Used sparingly, this is generally a good read. A report on the psychology of self-deprecating humor, Neuroscience News notes that it can demonstrate humility, self-awareness, and confidence, and increases likability. The same coverage adds a caveat to keep in mind: taken to an extreme, it can indicate low self-esteem rather than comforting yourself.
So there is a line. The confident version is to take yourself a little less seriously, don’t tear yourself apart. If you are not afraid of being judged, joking about your own worth does not cost you anything.
Why do they look fancy only from the outside
Most of us perform quietly most of the time, often without a clock. So if someone doesn’t, the lack of effort can be read as odd – as if they’ve missed a rule that everyone else follows.
They did not miss. They simply stopped seeing approval in the room as a measure of their worth.
It’s not a character trait you’re born with, but more of a position you can come to gradually, usually by noticing the little things you do and asking if they’re really serving you.
