As someone who has been sober for 26 years, and in my work as c recovery coachI realized that recovery and wellness is not just about being off substances. Although it can start there, what is just as important, if not more important, is our emotional sobriety.
When I first heard the term emotional sobriety, it sounded like an unattainable, distant experience reserved for Buddhist monks. My heroines, like Tara Brach and Pema Chodren, seemed like they would make it, but it was out of reach for someone like me. It wasn’t until I went through a particularly emotionally challenging time—a time that ended up being a portal—that I truly understood its significance and have since been able to share this important aspect of recovery with my clients.
When I first heard the term emotional sobriety, it sounded like an unattainable, distant experience reserved for Buddhist monks.
One day my son announced that he was moving from New York to Los Angeles. On the surface, his decision seemed exciting and promising, but he had neither a job nor a place to live; he was going to figure it out as soon as he got there. The constant uncertainty surrounding his well-being sent me over the edge. I was an anxious, nervous wreck. For weeks, I would check my phone to see if he had texted me, and scroll through Instagram and Facebook, sneaking little snippets of his life, trying to confirm if he was okay.
His Life was my favorite TV show and I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I couldn’t stop worrying, and I felt emotionally overwhelmed.
Notice when your past manifests itself in your present
As the saying goes: If it’s hysterical, it’s historic. As I delved deeper into therapy, I began to understand why his passing had hit me so hard. It reflected something much more ancient. When I was in college, my mother suddenly moved to Switzerland. Neither a long farewell, nor a gradual adaptation – she just didn’t happen. Decades later, my nervous system didn’t know the difference between then and now.
My body was coping with an old loss through a new one. I knew enough to attend Al-Anon meetings to try to break free emotionally, but my peace of mind remained elusive.
My body was coping with an old loss through a new one. I knew enough to attend Al-Anon meetings to try to break free emotionally, but my peace of mind remained elusive.
The shift came when I learned to meditate. As a beginner, I was first encouraged to pay attention to my breathing and notice the moment, the pause, between my inhale and exhale.
As I practiced this awareness, an understanding rose to the surface. My breath, the single most subtle physical experience, was my life force. This quiet activity, occurring without my coercion, was the defining feature between life and death. I felt a reverence for my breath that I had never felt before. Slowly but surely, I developed the ability to watch my mind, like a cricket, jump from thought to concern to thought – and eventually, it began to settle.
For many, substances helped to dull the senses and were a kind of escape hatch. So when we put substances away and enter into a closer relationship with ourselves, we may not feel safe staying quiet and quieting the mind. We no longer have anything to drown out the noise or quell our fears.
Over time, I felt calm—I felt emotionally sober. I wasn’t looking for something outside of myself to ease my discomfort.
Making the mind a quieter place
In my work with people struggling with substance use disorders and/or eating disorders, many clients share with me that they continue to struggle with quieting their minds. For many, substances helped to dull the senses and were a kind of escape hatch.
So when we put substances away and enter into a closer relationship with ourselves, we may not feel safe staying quiet and quieting the mind. We no longer have anything to drown out the noise or silence the fears.
In my coaching sessions we discuss the concept of emotional sobriety and I offer different entry points such as:
- Work of breathing or a body scan
- “note and title“technique
- Practicing attracting a sense of stability from the room and immediate surroundings
- A short guided meditation
- Keep a journal within twenty minutes
In all of these little exercises, I gently guide them to reconnect with themselves through curiosity, not judgment. Given that there is no single path to silence, we find one that works and move at the client’s pace.
Being emotionally sober can feel like a discharge, an endless distraction, a mindless scroll. Mindfulness practices over time help us realize that we can deal with our uncomfortable emotions without looking for an escape hatch.
I’ve learned that insight and self-awareness are important, but even with the best of intentions, we can still get emotionally caught up in the moment—and suddenly the urge to escape those uncomfortable feelings becomes overwhelming.
And while we may not gravitate toward the substance or activity that led us to recovery in the first place—which, of course, is a wonderful achievement—we may gravitate toward other, perhaps more innocuous, activities that serve a similar purpose. Being emotionally sober can feel like a discharge, an endless distraction, a mindless scroll. Mindfulness practices over time help us realize that we can deal with our uncomfortable emotions without looking for an escape hatch.
What mindfulness and meditation offer, and what my clients tell me over and over again, is a way to reset their emotional thermostat, regardless of what’s going on around them.
Pause between inhalation and exhalation. A moment of choice where there was none before.
This is emotional sobriety.
Stephanie Hazzard is a Certified Peer Recovery Specialist (CPRS) as well as a Carolyn Kostin Institute Certified Eating Disorder Recovery Coach (CCIEDC). Her debut book, Forcing Sobriety: A Recovery Coach’s Guide to Sustainable Changewill be released on September 22 during National Recovery Month and can be pre-ordered at www.pathtowardrecovery.com.
