I usually describe the practice as something to do: take your side, see the being behind the eyes, accept the good, etc. This practice is different: it is something to acknowledge. Appropriate actions will follow from this recognition. Let me explain.
A few years ago, I was invited to give a keynote address at a conference to the largest audience I had ever encountered. It was a big step forward for me. The second talks were given by legendary psychologists, and I was afraid I wouldn’t make it. I was nervous. Really nervous.
I sat in the back and waited my turn, worried about how people would see me. I thought about how to look impressive and get approval. My mind is focused on me, me, me. I was miserable.
Then I started reading interviews with the Dalai Lama. He spoke of happiness in wishing good to others. A wave of relief and peace washed over me as I realized that the best thing I could do for myself was to stop being self-absorbed and instead try to be of service to others.
So I gave a talk and focused on what could be useful for people, not how I came across. I felt much more relaxed and calm—and received a standing ovation. I laughed to myself at the irony: to get approval, stop looking for it; take care of yourself, take care of others.
This principle applies in everyday life, not just at conferences. When you feel and empathize with other people, you will feel better about yourself. In a relationship, one of the best ways to get your own needs met is to take as much reasonable responsibility (those words are carefully chosen) for meeting the needs of the other person. Besides being kind, which itself feels good, it’s your best strategy for treating others better. This approach is the opposite of being a doormat; it puts you in a stronger position.
Kindness to you is kindness to me; kindness to me is kindness to you. It’s a real — and beautiful — two-way street.
Turn it the other way around and it’s also true: being kind to yourself is being kind to others. As your own well-being grows, you have more opportunities and possibilities be patientsupports forgivingand love. To take care of them, you must take care of yourself; otherwise, you’re starting from scratch. As your happiness and other inner strengths grow, you have more to offer others.
Kindness to you is kindness to me; kindness to me is kindness to you. It’s a real — and beautiful — two-way street.
What does being kind to others and to yourself look like?
The kindness to others and to self that I am talking about here is genuine and proportionate, not excessive or inappropriate.
In ordinary situations, take a moment here and there to acknowledge that when you show appropriate compassion, decency, tolerance, respect, support, kindness, or even love to others…that’s good for you, too.
See the consequences of small things. For example, earlier today at the airport I saw a bag on the ground and I didn’t know if someone had left it behind. Thinking about this practice, it was only natural that a friendly look appeared on my face when I asked the person in front of me if this was his bag. At first he was confused and seemed to feel the criticism, then he looked at me more carefully, relaxed a little and said that the bag was his friend’s. His response to my kindness made me feel at ease instead of awkward and tense.
See how taking care of yourself has a positive effect on others. Intentionally do the little things that nourish you—get some rest, exercise, some time for yourself—and then notice how it affects your relationship.
Imagine what the other person’s problems or desires might be, and do your best – usually easily and naturally – to accommodate them. Then see how it works out for you. Probably better than it would have been.
See also how taking care of yourself has a positive effect on others. Intentionally do the little things that nourish you—get some rest, exercise, some time for yourself—and then notice how it affects your relationship. Notice how healthy boundaries in a relationship help prevent you from becoming addicted or angry and eventually needing to give up.
It is as if we are connected in a huge network. For better or for worse, what you do to others comes back to you; what you do for yourself affects others.
Essentially, you run little experiments and let the results really sink in. This is the important part: allowing us to truly understand that we are deeply connected to each other. Helping others helps you; helping yourself helps others. Similarly, harming others harms you; harming oneself, harming others.
It is as if we are connected in a huge network. For better or for worse, what you do to others comes back to you; what you do for yourself affects others.
Acknowledging it in your gut and bones will change your life for the better. And also change the lives of others for the better.
This post is one of a series from Just one Rick Hanson thing (JOT), which offers a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind and soul.
