Have you ever found that some days, no matter how good your intentions, you just can’t seem to get around to doing the things you said you wanted to do the most?
No matter what we try to do—say, start a new habit like meditation, exercise more, eat healthier, or take up a new creative hobby—there will be days when life gets in the way. We may feel too tired; some emergency may arise; or we may simply forget to do something that we had very good intentions.
this exactly in these moments of failure we need to offer ourselves self-compassion. In fact, the entire creative process should be compassionate.
Merciful road to creativity
One of the keys to creativity is testing different solutions to a problem, meaning iterating on the solutions and designs you come up with. Simply put, this means that the first attempts we make are not necessarily the final results. there will be there will be moments of failure and that is part of the creative process.
In order to pick ourselves up after a moment of failure (or perceived failure) and carry on, we need to offer ourselves self-compassion, and our mindfulness practice can help us do this.
Compassion for failure simply means turning the lens of compassion back on yourself.
What do we mean by “self-compassion to failure”?
It simply means turning the lens of compassion back on yourself. That is, we become aware of our moments of stress and suffering and motivate ourselves to come up with a solution in those moments to alleviate our stress and suffering. There is now a lot of scientific evidence showing how self-compassion creates motivation: people who are self-compassionate tend to be better at navigating setbacks and tend to stick with behavior changes and habits they originally sought to change or establish.
Admit, acknowledge, accept
Here’s the three-step process of self-compassion, as outlined by one of the leading researchers in the field, Kristen Neff. This three-step process consists of, first, offering ourselves a moment of mindfulness.
When we feel like we’re failing or inadequate, or even dealing with the stress that comes when we feel like things are out of our control, we take a moment to acknowledge the facts, admit that we don’t like those facts, but accept what is. The main thing to remember is not to get caught up in the narrative or story of what is happening and not to suppress any difficult emotions which may arise. We’re just admitting that this moment is stressful.
The second step is to connect with our sense of shared humanity. Take a moment to recognize that no matter what we may be going through, there are many other people just like us who have faced the same struggles. So we’re not alone—this kind of failure or this kind of stress is just part of the human condition. Not only is this true, it can help us feel less isolated in moments of imperfection. It is a little easier to cultivate a sense of compassion for failure when we know that we are never alone.
The third step is to offer kindness. Think about what you might say to a best friend if they were going through what you might be going through in this stressful moment.
A simple practice of cultivating compassion for failure
Let’s put this model of self-compassion into practice with a creative goal in mind. Here’s also the audio version with Dr. Neff if you want to listen to it instead:
1. I invite you to sit so that you are alert but relaxed and close your eyes. Make sure both of your feet are firmly planted on the floor to help stabilize you and ensure a straight but not stiff back. Allow the front of your abdomen to be soft. You can gently put your hands on your knees.
2. Let’s start by recalling what is not going so well in your life. Maybe it’s a creative goal you’ve been working on that didn’t go as planned. Perhaps you have faced some kind of failure at work or at home. Or maybe you’re just dealing with a painful situation that’s out of your control.
3. With this situation in mind, let’s begin the process of self-compassion Mindfulness: Take a moment to recognize things as they are, not as you want them to be. Take a moment to acknowledge things exactly as they are.
4. You might say something like, “This is a stressful moment.” or, “I don’t like it, but now I do.” Keep in mind that we are not trying to solve the problem. We also don’t get caught up in the story around pain and stress. We just stay up to date with what’s going on.
5. Next, remember that no matter what you’re going throughthere have been many people who have experienced the same thing before. You can say something like, “I’m not alone in this,” or “It’s just part of being human.”
6. And now I would like you to offer myself a favor. If it was your best friend or loved one going through what you are going through, what would you say to them? What advice could you give?
7. When you offer yourself the same unconditional love and kindnessI want you to send yourself some well wishes: May I be kind to myself. Let me be patient and accept myself. May I be strong and steadfast in this moment.
8. From this place of greater warmth and kindness to yourselfI’d like you to take a couple of deep breaths at your own pace. And whenever you’re ready, open your eyes and rejoin that conversation.
Not just nice, but essential
One thing that consistently stands out in Neff’s extensive research is a counterintuitive finding: Without self-compassion, it’s actually more difficult change, heal and grow. Including our creative efforts.
We tend to think that being hard on ourselves will motivate us to do better, but it’s actually the opposite. Relentless self-criticism reduces not only our enjoyment of the creative process, but also our ability to see new possibilities. This fear of “conforming” hinders our creativity.
When we take the time to slow down, pay attention to our feelings of “not enough” in the creative process, and offer that fear a little extra help, we actually open the door wider to fresh ideas, inspiration, and creative courage.
