How to Practice Radical Acceptance (Without Betraying Yourself) ⋆ LonerWolf

To be honest, radical acceptance is a topic that both resonates and repels me.

A warm and loving part of me whispers in a honeyed voice: yes i need this kind of self-love. But the critical and skeptical side rolls its eyes and wants to leave the room immediately.

To be honest, for life I developed an allergy to everything with the slightest influx of toxic positivity or spiritual bypass of vibration. Radical acceptance, at first glance, seems to fit the bill.

Downstairs, I’m going to explore the light and the dark side of radical acceptance. Buckle up!

The Dark Side of Radical Acceptance

When I think about radical acceptance:

I imagine ultra-hip yogis sitting in mindfulness circles drinking herbal tea and talking about radical acceptance of their feelings, flaws, and the crappy people in their lives.

Um… no thanks.

Sometimes rotten people are just rotten. They do not need radical acceptance to shine upon them, for to do so would be to betray themselves, their boundaries, and their minds.

Also, sometimes the concept of radical acceptance—something that’s becoming increasingly popular in the spiritual and self-help fields—is just a form of lack of responsibility for oneself.

It can be a form of passivity and submission, a form of internal collapse under the guise of a “developed” personality. It’s a way of saying oh i guess i just have to accept this horrible situation and the continued suffering i feel.

It perpetuates negative patterns self-sacrifice and dedication.

Obviously, this is a tool that is not meant to be applied to every situation in life, because sometimes you to do you have to fight. Sometimes you have to say no. Sometimes rejecting an experience is healthier than accepting it.

The bright side of radical acceptance

Increased self-compassion, relaxation and inner peace they are the results of radical acceptance, done well, without the spiritual detour.

Radical acceptance has been popularized by two areas: DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) and Artwork by Tara Brach which connects Western psychology with Buddhist spirituality.

If we take a closer look at these two approaches, we get the actual juice (instead of getting into self-help-lite social media version).

A psycho-spiritual view

In her book Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha, Tara Brach writes,

“A clear awareness of what goes on inside us and what we see with an open, kind and loving heart is what I call radical acceptance. When we hold back from any part of our experience, when our heart closes off any part of who we are and what we feel, we inflame the fears and feelings of separation that sustain the trance of unworthiness. Radical acceptance directly destroys the very foundations of this trance.”

As you can see, radical acceptance in this point of view self-directed compassion. It’s about seeing all parts of yourself as worthy, even the hairy and dark parts. It’s a beautiful shape Restoration of the soul.

This approach closely mirrors the one we take our Self-Love Journal.

The type of DBT

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy, radical acceptance is a powerful way to alleviate our suffering. Marsha Linehan, founder of this therapy school, defines this DBT coping skill thus

“Radical acceptance is based on relinquishing the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are now, without judgment.”

In Art Handouts and worksheets for teaching DBT skillsLinehan continues to explain:

What is radical acceptance?

1. Radical means all the way complete and general.

2. It is acceptance by mind, heart and body.

3. It’s when you stop fighting reality, stop throwing tantrums because reality isn’t what you want it to be, and let go of bitterness.

Why accept reality?

1. Denying reality does not change reality.

2. Changing reality requires first accepting reality.

3. Pain cannot be avoided; it is nature’s way of signaling that something is wrong.

4. Rejection of reality turns pain into suffering.

5. Refusal to accept reality can keep you in unhappiness, bitterness, anger, sadness, shame, or other painful emotions.

6. Acceptance can lead to sadness, but usually a deep peace follows.

7. The way out of hell is through suffering. By refusing to accept the suffering that is part of getting out of hell, you end up back in hell.

Radical acceptance is NOT:

Approval, sympathy, love, passivity or resistance to change.

(Note that this last part deviates from Tara Brach’s understanding. However, here in DBT, radical acceptance seems to apply to negative experiences in life in general.)

How to Practice Radical Acceptance (Without Betraying Yourself)

Becoming a parent in recent years has taught me a lot about practicing acceptance. But being too flexible just leads to chaos. Hugging too much leads to burnout.

So how do you practice this healing path without betraying yourself? Here’s what I’ve learned so far through painful trial and error:

1. Both of you can accept your flaws, but not be self-indulgent

Too much blind acceptance of all aspects of you makes you a narcissistic jerk. Sorry, but it’s true. Too little makes you fall self-hatred. The sweet spot is a balance of conscious self-acceptance tempered by the knowledge that we always are work in progress.

2. You can accept reality as it is, and change what is within your power

In Australia, I often hear the saying, “It is what it is.” I once thought that statement was kind of dumb – frankly, the height of stupidity. But then I realized that there is simplicity and wisdom in these words. What happened, happened. This is part of acceptance. But you it is possible change things if you want them to be different. This is part of empowerment.

3. You can accept people for who they are, but also not want to be around them

For example, if I were in an abusive work relationship, I might accept that my co-worker tends to get angry easily and take it out on others. But that doesn’t mean I want to be around them or have to stay in that situation. Radical acceptance does not mean betraying your security needs and acquiescing to others’ behavior through silence or inaction. Instead, it means accepting that “Yes, that’s the truth about what’s going on,” and then doing something about it.

4. You can accept your difficult emotions without wallowing in them

Grief, anger, jealousy, insecurity… these are feelings we often try to avoid. But walking the way of inner work means that we begin to meet, metabolize and transform these feelings. Radical acceptance in these circumstances does not mean total immersion in these insidious emotions. It’s not about wallowing, boring, or acting them out. Instead, it’s about noticing that they are there, feeling them, but not identifying with them. This allows them to pass in and out more easily.

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Radical acceptance is a powerful path to inner healing and liberation. But this need not be an extremist philosophy to which we turn everything. It doesn’t have to be a form of toxic positivity or a spiritual bypass.

I hope you enjoyed this more “balanced” (I like to think, reasonable) take on the subject.

tell me do you have examples of radical adoption of this? no need lead to delusional, toxic, or destructive behavior? Leave them below in the comments. I would love to hear!