We spend a third of our lives at work, and it’s okay if we like it. But I’ve worked in places where I hated every minute I was there and cried every morning before I left. One boss was unpleasant. He would move the gates on projects, deny or insist that he had sent information, lie about deadlines, and tell me I was too sensitive when I spoke. Only now do I realize he was a gaslighting boss.
Here’s what other bosses say when you’re offended.
Phrases that the Gaslighting boss will say
What is gas lighting and why is it so destructive?
We know gas lighting it is a form of psychological manipulation designed to make you question your own sense of reality. Gas lighting at work especially destructive. It reduces productivity, destroys self-esteem, destroys relationships with colleagues and has a devastating effect on mental health.
A recent survey found that out of 3,033 people, a whopping 58% had experienced gas lighting at work. So how do you know if your boss is gaslighting you?
Chris Kerridge is an employee engagement expert at MHR Global. He says gaslighting isn’t as obvious as bullying, and it’s problematic.
“In a lot of cases (gaslighting) can be so subtle that some people might not even know it’s happening until they stop and think about it, which is maybe why it happens so often.”
However, you can spot a gaslighting boss by phrases like these:
They are lying about what they said.
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“I never said that.”
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“I already told you…”
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“You must have forgotten.”
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“You didn’t follow my instructions.”
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“You’re remembering it wrong.”
These are classic gaslight phrasesdesigned to make you question your memory. You doubt your memory.
“Did I hear them right?” “Maybe I was wrong.”
How to answer:
If you have evidence that your gaslighter boss is lying, you can show him, for example, an email or text message. But these types of manipulators are smart. They rarely make mistakes, leaving a trail of evidence.
If there is no evidence, say “My recollections differ” and then move on. Don’t explain or make excuses. That’s for sure what your boss wants.
They mean that you are too sensitive.
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“I was just kidding.”
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“You’re so sensitive, relax.”
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“Don’t take it so personally.”
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“Where’s your sense of humor?”
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“It takes a thicker skin to work here.”
This is your gaslighting boss trying to get away with inappropriate behavior. They put the responsibility for their actions on you. It’s not that their joke was offensive; you can’t take a joke.
How to answer:
There is a lot of advice out there on social media right now dealing with offensive jokes or misogynistic comments. If you force the abuser to explain his joke, the responsibility shifts back to him. Now they are in the spotlight, forced to explain their unpleasant comments.
They say calm down.
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“You really need to calm down.”
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“You look very emotional right now.”
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“You always blow things out of proportion.”
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“I’m worried about you. You’re everywhere.”
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“I think you need a break. You’re clearly not up to the job.”
It’s no wonder you get emotional when your boss dumps you. But instead of listening to your concerns, they trivialize your feelings with the above phrases. This makes you more emotional, which “proves” their point.
How to answer:
Your gaslighter boss wants a reaction. The more hysterical and dramatic, the better. They focus on your behavior because it distracts people from their behavior. Remember, you can’t help your feelings, and therefore they are justified. Address their dismissive attitude by saying:
“I need you to focus on what I’m saying, not how I’m saying it.”
They call you crazy.
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“You’re going crazy.”
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“Everybody thinks you’re crazy.”
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“You’re making yourself crazy.”
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“You’ve lost the plot.”
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“You’re unstable.”
These gas phrases appear directly manipulator textbook. They want to throw you off balance and make you question reality. You doubt your memory. Did you say that? Did it really happen? Suddenly you’re not sure anymore.
How to answer:
If the gaslighting boss calls you crazy, he’s already laid the groundwork to make you doubt yourself. Now that you realize they are playing mind games, record all conversations and actions. That way, if they call you crazy, you can challenge their lies.
They make fake apologies.
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“I’m sorry you’re angry.”
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“If I did anything wrong, I’m sorry.”
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“I apologize if you got the wrong impression.”
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“I’m sorry, but…”
Rather than own up to their toxic behavior, the gaslighting boss offers a a fake apology. In their minds, that’s the end of the matter. They just want to draw a line under the situation to move on to the next one.
How to answer:
There are many different opinions on how to deal with fake apologies. You can accept the apology and move on, or you can dispute it. for example
“I accept your apology, but I will not tolerate this behavior any longer.” Or, “Don’t apologize for how I feel, apologize for what you did.”
How to fight the gaslighting boss
1. Gaslighting at work is harassment
Any type harassment at work against the law. Because gaslighting is insidious and difficult to detect, it is important to document incidents. Keep records of text messages, emails, or write gaslighting records with dates and times. If you have a record of evidence, you can get support or file a complaint.
2. Find support internally or externally
Find out if the company has an HR department, a welfare officer, a consultant or a union. If not, is there a senior colleague you trust and can confide in?
If the company does not have the resources, you may have to look for external funds. For example, support lines that deal with problems in the workplace or legal assistance. You can also talk to your doctor, who can provide mental health support.
3. Talk to family and friends
Many years ago, a friend of mine was enlightened at work. He fell into severe depression, did not work and suffered from severe anxiety. He sat and cried in my house. We looked at his options: continue sick leave, go to HR, file a grievance, etc. He said he felt a little better when he talked and knew someone had his back.
Final thoughts
Gas lighting at work can have a devastating effect on you. Working in a toxic environment every day not only damages your self-esteem, but also makes you doubt your abilities, makes you feel isolated, and can lead to depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts.
Now that you know what it looks like, I hope you get the support you need.
Links:
Sub-editor and staff writer in Training the mind
Jenny Davis has been publishing online for over 10 years. She suffered from panic disorder for more than 30 years, prompting her to study and complete an honors degree in psychology at the Open University. Janey uses her experience of anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
